How Can I Make This Day More Pleasurable For You?


My hubby and I have a game we play to deepen our connection, get out of ruts, or to be in service of replenishing each others feeling of surplus.The game can be played by the hour, the day, the month... whatever timeline feels best so that you both are in optimal surplus.

This morning I was the one feeling depleted and overwhelmed. He restarted the game by flirtatiously asking, "How can I make this day more pleasurable for you?"

This game sounds easier than it is. It requires that the receiver stop playing victim or martyr and take responsibility for their needs and wants, be able/willing to express them, and gracefully receive the others aid.

In order for this to work cleanly, it also requires the giver to be genuinely generous, not aiding with undercurrents of resentment, imposition or burden. It's actually the opposite, it requires taking pleasure from making someone's day easier and better.

I am generally emotionally and behaviorally flexible, but when I am tired or low resourced I still have difficulty answering this question. Today I wanted to default to victim mode, "There's nothing you can do, it's all up to me." (Yes, I'm noticing the manipulative current of resentment embedded in there and also shame and guilt for wanting/needing anything versus being totally self sufficient.)

But that's the whole point of the game - to pattern-interrupt those default modes that assert we are alone carrying the burdens of the universe and don't get to have help.

After 5 minutes of complaining he shimmies a bit closer and teases, "You still haven't answered the question. How can make this day more pleasurable?"

He's right. I still haven't answered the question. There's that guilty feeling again. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and try. What can I give myself permission to ask for that would contribute to my being in surplus?

How about a hug?

He happily obliges. I smile thinking he's like a male Amma. For as long as I've known him, one of his gifts are his love soaked hugs.

My nervous system begins to relax. I feel better.

Anyone up for playing this game with someone you are close to today? I'm curious what kinds of requests you have that would make your day more pleasurable?

Here's a few more of mine:

    • Massage
    • Exercise
    • Hot tub
    • Help with kids
    • Healthy lunch made for me
    • Love notes reminding me of something lovable about me
    • Sleeping in
    • alone time
    • a movie
    • 5 minutes of complaining (i got this one already, but i wanted to point out that sometimes the 5 min bitch + moan session is a great service. the overload just needs to come out and then i can move past it)

What is on your list?

Don't forget to participate in National Love Note Day! Click the button below to join in the fun, and make someone's day a little more pleasurable.

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Episode #40 - Say Yes To Adventure with Josh and Jenny Solar


The Power Of Integrity

It's inherently easy to love people when we know we can trust them. The best friend who would be there without question in a moment of need. The parental figure who would cross the globe on the next available flight if they were worried about you. The significant other that shows up every day without question, and chooses you.

As humans, we crave connection... and let's face it, the only people we truly let into our hearts are those we really trust.

So, how do we gain trust? Well, the most basic element of trust is integrity.

Integrity, put simply, is doing what you say you will do.

I've recently become fascinated with the topic of integrity. In the last few months I've had my life turned upside down. All of that chaos has provided me with a long, hard look at my life from a brand new perspective. One thing has become very apparent: the majority of the pain I've caused myself and caused others in life can be traced back to a lack of integrity on my part.

There have been moments where I've avoided being honest to preserve my pristine reputation. There have been times I've indulged in selfish behaviors despite knowing my actions were inconsistent with my values. I've said mean things in an attempt to be funny, and hurt people I cared about. I've buried the flaws I don't want others to see in order to avoid looking broken and human.

When I do these things, I feel a pang in my gut. It's a feeling that washes over me screaming, "You're not being authentic! That's not who you are!" I'm flooded with guilt and shame. I sacrifice my integrity to avoid looking stupid, and although it might fool people in to liking me more in the moment, with time they always figure out the truth, and I'm left feeling like a fraudulent human being.

Living with integrity, though not always easy, is the key to renewed self-esteem, healthy relationships, and quiet confidence.

Talk is Cheap Because We Make It Cheap

The thing I love most about Josh and Jenny is that they have mastered the art of integrity. One of their family mottos is "We don't talk about doing cool stuff. We DO cool stuff."

They don't just talk about creating memories together. They wake up on Saturday mornings and celebrate the weekend with special pancake breakfasts and smoothies! They slow dance in the kitchen with each other. They pull over their car in the middle of a road trip to make out in the rain.

They don't just talk about putting their kids first, they completely reinvent their careers to make sure they get to spend as much meaningful time together as a family as possible.

They don't just talk about going to Europe one day. They check their kids out of school, buy plane tickets, and find a place to stay for 4 months.

There is something to be said about knowing the person next to you is going to do exactly what they say they will do. Ever. Single. Day. It creates space for a special kind of love that few people get to share... the love that comes with perfect trust, confidence, and commitment.

It's this kind of integrity that allows the Solars to say "yes" to adventure. They can literally see something that excites them, make a decision to pursue it, and trust with complete confidence that it will happen... because when they say something, they do it.

Integrity gives you power in love and in life. Integrity is the essence of creation. And integrity is such an incredibly simple principle to put into practice. It starts with yourself.

Where do you lack integrity in your life? Is it your health? Is it being reliable and on time? Is it putting in an honest day's work? Is it being honest in your relationships? Start improving your integrity today. Make a commitment to have perfect integrity in one area of your life, and then do it. Adventure, opportunity, and connection are sure to follow.

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] Check out the Solar's amazing website, The Happy Family Movement. It will inspire you.

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