When you let go of the things that were holding you back, keeping you stuck, or making you unhappy – when you burn off your “dead wood” – you make room for new life.Read More
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What To Do When Your Friends & Family Aren’t Supportive Of Your Relationship
What do you do if your friends (or your partner's friends) are having a negative effect on your relationship?
How can you respond if they're bringing you down, talking bad about your partner, or marriage in general?
I’ve been getting tons of questions about this… from what to do if you lose weight and starting getting in shape… then your family makes you feel guilty for it. Or you start to work on changing the unhealthy dynamic of your relationship and your partner pushes back. Or you prioritize your partner over your own family and your mom starts to freak out and complain that your partner is dividing the family.
Hopefully this episode is relevant and helpful if you’re in that situation.
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Laura Heck is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker and trainer, certified Gottman therapist, and specializes in working with couples who are stuck in a rut. She teaches couples tools to reinvent a new partnership, develop healthy habits and reignite lost passion. Laura is mom to a three year old, wife to a patient husband and lover of fitness, health and wellness.
In this episode I sit down with Vienna Pharaon, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of New York City.
We have an awesome conversation about John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. We talk about controlling our personal narratives. We discuss assuming positive intent, and having a low negativity threshold (you'll learn about both of those principles in the middle of the show).
Vienna Pharaon is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of New York, practicing out of New York City, conveniently located near Grand Central Station. Vienna received her Master of Science in Marriage & Family Therapy from Northwestern University, and trained extensively at The Family Institute, Bette D. Harris Center. There she treated individuals, couples, and families in a clinic setting. Vienna also received training at Family Focus, a community outreach program, providing community-, home-, and clinic-based therapeutic services for individuals and families.
2:30 - Introduction to Vienna
4:00 - "Getting the love you want doesn't mean giving the kind of love that you want to get. "Do unto others the way you would like them to do unto you."
5:00 - You can give love and your partner can still say, "I don't feel loved by you." There are different types of love to give and receive.
6:45 - How much responsibility do we have in getting the love we want?
7:45 - The myths of "If it's true love, we should just 'get' each other." And "I shouldn't have to ask for what I want."
10:40 - How do you consciously change your inner narrative?
12:37 - Why is it important to change your mindset from "I don't deserve" to "I do deserve"?
16:30 - 25:00 - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that will destroy your marriage
17:45 - Without communicating effectively you just can't have a successful relationship. There's no way to get and give the love that you want if you can't ask for it, or hear what your partner needs.
25:59 - Assuming good intent is crucial. You need to assume that your partner means well even when they're doing something irritating or hurtful.
27:40 - When you assume malintent, you're almost always wrong. Unless you have a horrible partner, they're probably not out to get you and make your life horrible.
28:58 - You're more likely to be heard when you come from a place of kindness and understanding instead of anger and resentment. You can't get love if you're assuming malintent.
30:47 - Low Negativity Threshold: Why "Choose your battles," or "Just let the little things roll off your shoulders," is terrible advice.
32:00 - The happiest couples talk about the things that bother them (without making them a big deal) and get them resolved.
36:15 - It's important to learn to honor the "alone," and to develop a sense of love and belonging within yourself rather than the "I'll love you if you love me" mentality.
38:50 - Just because someone gives you love in a way that's not your love language doesn't mean you can't receive it graciously.
41:21 - It's scary to go down a road with someone that you've been down before and been hurt. You need to lean to create a positive narrative in your head that the person you're with will be there for you in a way nobody else has been in the past.
42:35 - "Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." -Maya Angelou